Life is a short term visa, with varied answers to our questions

The world's population is 8.1 billion in 2024. While that is a humungous number of people, what remains eternally true is that every single one of us is on a short-term visa on this planet. No exceptions. While that is stating the obvious, it raises the question, what then makes life interesting and different for each one of us? 

There is possibly no straight-forward answer to this question. There are too many factors at play in understanding or even attempting to understand, the reality of our existence while we are around. Here are a few to consider:

• The family that we are born into.
• The education we receive.
• The financial resilience we build to fight life.
• The emotional maturity to handle the vagaries of life.
• The professional hardships we have to negotiate.
• The enormous disparity between the haves and the have-nots.
• The incredible diversity in thought and action in each human being.
• The differences in interpreting the same stimuli.
• The social quotient that we establish (or do not establish) i.e., network of people we know.
• Credibility and integrity which is a direct outcome of our own actions/inactions.
• Our religious beliefs.
• Our political outlook.
• Our diverse interests in various spheres - music, art, sports, history, science, finance etc.
• ... and many more.

This is indeed a very long list of attributes that go into answering the above complicated question of each one of us trying to figure out the relevance/meaning of our life. Why is there no standard answer to this question? Here's my take:

1. There is no template to any of us or to anyone's life.
2. There is no planned outcome for anybody.
3. Man supposes, God disposes.
4. The ability to react vs the ability to respond has no consistency across human beings.
5. Ego massaging for most human beings has no limit to it.
6. Life has no guarantees, for anyone.
7. Further, life does not provide the assurance of being nice/good to you, just because you are a good person on your own. Life events, especially the bad ones, do not discriminate between good and bad people.
8. Modern technology has its own impact on our psychological thinking, social maturity (FOMO), health (physical, mental, emotional), and other abstract parts of our lives.
9. Lack of conversation or deep conversations amongst human beings i.e., texting is not real communication.
10. Instant gratification

While these 10 points are not exhaustive per se, they perhaps provide pointers to look at what is it that we can/should control, if at all. In many ways, the age-old practices of meditation, introspection, contentment and belief in oneself are perhaps the kinds of tools that we need to apply in finding our own answers. 

After all, a few decades after we are gone, we will be a photograph on a wall somewhere, barely anyone would remember us, and the world will go on. Hence, while we are on a short-term visa here on planet Earth, simplifying our life's complexities is perhaps the one thing we can realistically attempt.

Just one of those blogs, I guess, that may not have concrete answers and may raise more questions than answers. As Mark Twain famously wrote, ''the two most important days of your life are the day you are born and the day you figure out why''.

Can deep scars be cherished by human beings?

It should come as no surprise to anyone in our world today that we as human beings go through so much in our lifespan. There are enough life experiences for us to treasure and regale in happiness. By equal measure, we have enough experiences that make us feel that we can no longer find the strength to even exist. Highs are easier to handle given the positive vibes around it. However, can we find ways to treasure our deepest scars, instead of destroying ourselves because of them? Easier said than done, but maybe something to consider.

Happiness has its way of coming to us in so many ways and from so many places.

We are configured to feel happy when positive things happen to us. E.g. we pass very tough competitive exams, or we get the job of our dreams, or we chase our professional dreams and achieve them, or we go on vacations to exotic places, or we buy materialistic things that we like (ignore the credit card debt!). And many more....!

Or, happiness can be far more abstract. E.g. we fall in love and experience its extraordinary magic, or we sit with our dearest friends and have the deepest conversations of life and regale in their timeless company, or we go to the exact same joints that we used to from 20 years ago with our dearest friends and family, or we get up in the morning and inhale fresh oxygen, or a dear old friend wakes us up at 6 am, or you pay a surprise visit on his/her birthday and treasure the happiness forever, or we simply cannot put a magical book down while sipping a cup of tea and listening to classical music. There are people who of course, are naturally happy without any of these things - a true privilege!

But scars are very different. And, a tad too intense.

At the very root of any deep scar is the fundamental fact that things or results or expectations from things or people or situations that mattered the most to us, did not pan out. This hits us hard, very hard. It starts with extreme disappointments and can manifest itself into very high emotional lows that we struggle to negotiate. There are some scars that we can do nothing about and that transports us into a state of perennial agony, which takes us even deeper into an abyss of pain. 

The deeper the scar, the deeper it sustains and the deeper is its ferocity and velocity that makes us cringe. There could be scars that some of us may carry for life, because those are most likely to be the truest part of our being, and generally impossible to handle. However, strong we may think we may be.

However, deep, real scars teach us our greatest life lessons. It is generally in hindsight that we are able to identify (albeit, analytically and not emotionally), as to why the scars came about in the first place. And when our cognitive abilities take over and enable us to understand the reasons (at least, as we understand it), we then potentially have some chance of appreciating the past experience. 

But can we learn to cherish our deepest scars?

Regale in the truth that such a bad situation even happened to us and once upon a time that situation had the possibility of becoming our greatest dream coming true. Credit ourselves that we were once in a situation that many other people may not even get to experience. Enjoy the feeling that the time that we had (prior to the scar) made us delirious, gave us so much of hope, helped us believe in the art of the possible.

Of course, every time we try to cherish our scar, the pain and intensity of our emotion towards it may multiply. But, that is where we need to reinforce our believe that if I was able to put myself in such a situation of realising my greatest dreams, that itself is a strength. And we should find ways to use the learnings from that scar to keep building life forward with a positive view.

Make no mistake about it -  the emotion and the deep-rooted intensity of a life scar will simply not go away (as long as it was real and so genuine from the get go). But, scars have strengths that almost nothing else has. We should learn to leverage and treasure our scars with enormous fondness. It might just help us.

Memories are a function of their substance

Memories are generally personal and unique to each person. However, not all of our life experiences are memorable. The ones that are truly treasured are a core part of our self. Why is this so? My submission is that substance is the cornerstone of building a life with great memories. The more the substance, the more we cherish those memories and the more we draw from them, and the more we gravitate towards them. Perhaps, this is far more personal and far deeper than we think it is. 

The word substance in the context of life's memories is one of the most abstract human experiences. This is especially true in our initial years when our mind is not yet fully developed and we are still absorbing many things like a sponge. More often than not, that is the time of our lives when we make the deepest bonds with people we eventually care about for life and form the core environment that contributes to who we are. These abstract life experiences, replete with substance, tend to sustain over long periods of time. The simpler they are, the more meaningful they become. 

Here are a handful of examples (with our most cherished friend(s)) - e.g. going to a cafe nearby, reading books together, waking up each other from one another's house early in the morning, being the first to wish each other on a birthday, going out on a weekend trip, writing long letters to each other and pouring every emotion and thought into it, visiting a library together, going on long walks together, sharing an ice cream, sitting at a bus stop for hours together, attending/not attending class together, watching a movie, looking deep into each other's eyes and knowing precisely what the other person is going through without a word being uttered, offering help without one ever asking for it, or just sitting in a coffee shop and looking at each other and engaging in the deepest conversations possible, or showing up at your friend's house unannounced on his/her birthday, etc.. 

Alternatively, these experiences could also be long conversations with one's sibling. Or, visiting a temple together with your friend and/or family. Or, talking for hours together with your partner about gaining strength to face life. Or, taking the trouble of crossing the entire city just to be with your friend for an entire afternoon. And so on. 

Each of the above instances may appear to be an individual activity. But, a series of these activities, performed over an entire generation with our most cherished mates/family and in the environment that we are used to, becomes the cornerstone of our life's substance. Interestingly, none of these fond memories have a gadget or technology attached to them. They are pure experiences with a human to human connect. They last a lifetime.

The obvious question is, why do our deepest memories feel that much more special than other life experiences? I am convinced that this is a function of the depth, relevance and meaning of those memories to our lives. They form the core of our identity, our thinking and our psyche. Anything new and relevant is good to know but is most likely not something we relate to easily. We love to hold on to what we know, and to what we have and with the people who matter to us. We have familiarity zones to draw from and from the environment that we most naturally associate ourselves with.

We may traverse this earth and see different places and even live in different parts of the world. However, if we are true to ourselves, it is hard to replicate our feeling of belongingness to any other place except to the place of our origin. That feeling is such an overpowering force that it constantly reminds us of who we really are. There is strong merit in saying 'home sweet home'!

In many instances, I have experienced an elevated sense of emotion and thrill of recounting great memories, only (and purely) because those special moment(s) were intrinsically attached to a person. In other words, those moment(s) with anyone else, would not have any relevance or meaning in life. That is a high that has no parallel in human emotion. As they say, ''Life is short. Spend it with people who make you laugh and feel loved''. I was truly lucky in experiencing those highs, which can and never will be replicated with anyone else. Those moment(s) are treasured as a celebration of life!

Borrowing a quote from a Twitter (rather X) feed, ''Anyone can make you smile, many people can make you cry, but it takes someone really special to make you smile with tears in your eye''. When one gets to experience that and also enjoy the original environment of one's life, it helps us understand why substance, over anything else, matters the most. And how most of us will cherish precisely those moments, eventually!

Can time do anything except change the time on the clock?

The primary function of a clock is to move time forward. Seconds to minutes to hours to days to weeks to months to years, and eventually to decades and centuries. However, in our lifetime, does human emotion change towards people in our lives (current or past) with the passage of time? Or, is human emotion towards people who matter to us, a core part of the identity of who we are?

Mankind is known to progress into successive generations using this natural evolution that is fundamentally measured in time. Of course, in the modern world, technological changes manifest themselves with great velocity and makes one wonder if the future is already here, or whether an evolution is still underway. However, while are alive, the evolution taking place in our era is obviously unique to that point in time. And the individual evolution (physical and emotional) that each one of us experiences in the era that we live in, is supremely unique.

It is particularly hard to assess human emotions that run deep for either personal materialistic things or for fellow human beings who matter. Perhaps, the emotion for materialistic possessions is a lot easier to manage, as there may be an opportunity to get something newer, bigger or better. That option, sadly, is not necessarily or easily available when it comes to our deep emotions towards fellow human beings. Typically, our emotion towards the people who matter to us is an individual feeling that cannot be replaced easily by anybody else who may be newer, bigger or better!

To my mind, there is simply no template to managing human emotion towards our chosen fellow mates i.e. the way we connect with these special people initially, decides the nature of the emotion that we have towards him/her. That first emotion may be either pleasant or unpleasant, or at best, neutral. The depth of the emotion that evolves later is undefined i.e. the ticking clock may manifest itself into a deep, personal, lasting relationship with the other person(s), or the ticking clock may only provide a relationship that is passe. Human emotion, decides how deep it would like such an association with the fellow mate to be. The ticking clock does not decide that.

When it comes to our interactions with fellow human beings who we care deeply about, I am convinced that the depth of our emotion towards them has a way of influencing us in many ways. Be it a close friend from our younger days (usually, this has an impact for life), or a professional colleague who becomes a mate, or a client who turns into a great friend/associate, or any other scenario where human beings interact in a very meaningful way - the result is essentially a function of how deeply the core values we hold dear has a correlation with the core values of the other individual(s). More the overlap in these core values, greater the chance of a lifetime bond. And interestingly, trust (and not time), defines how deep the bond will be.

In most cases, once that trust is established and the fundamental human emotion decides to include the individual(s) into one's life, the role of a ticking clock then plays its part i.e. we spend extraordinary number of hours (or even years) with people who end up meaning the world to us. Here, the function of time enables us to discover the depth of our human emotion for our chosen fellow homo sapiens, enjoy the many life experiences with him/her/them and relish the opportunities to build extraordinary memories that last a lifetime. What makes this combination even more memorable (and therefore deeper), is when the emotion that we have towards the other person(s) is reciprocated in equal measure (if not more!). Greater/longer the association, greater/longer is the depth of the emotion towards the individual(s).

What still astounds me, is that the relationships developed in our formative years, when we are at our most impressionable, has the deepest meaning and the greatest emotional connect that we can possibly ever have. It may just be a function of the age and the time when our lives are getting formulated, but those bonds have a way of remaining special long into our lives. Seriously, a lovely feeling to experience!

In this context, the passage of time does absolutely nothing i.e. the world may change in front of us, we may not be in touch with the other individual(s), we may cross continents, or be in different places in the same country, or be completely disconnected with one another, but the depth of our emotion for our chosen fellow mate(s) is extraordinarily resilient. We don't even realise the depth of this emotion given the general structure of a busy life. What is staggering is that this human emotion can easily be elevated, enhanced, enriched and enjoyed at even greater proportions than at the original time of connect, without our even realising it - especially when the opportunity to reconnect presents itself. The bond is the core, and that bond is not bounded by location or time. Staggeringly true!

Of course, there could be the other extreme that what was once an extraordinarily strong bond with a fellow human being(s) turns into a relationship that completely disintegrates, dissipates or discontinues for different reasons. Interestingly, in this scenario as well, the emotion for the individual(s) can continue to remain strong (positive or negative), even after the disconnect. Sadly, this is something that we have consciously manage and ensure that it does not hinder the rest of our lives i.e. human beings are not wired to naturally recover from lost connections that once mattered (and perhaps continue to matter, even after the association ended). 

In summary, there is a huge difference in the actual association with individual(s), and the emotion for that individual(s). The emotion lasts, even if the relationship may/may not last. In a hyperconnected world, it is refreshing to note that human emotion is still unique, alive, special and is something that continues to define us. The evolution of time simply cannot take away a core part of who we are. Let the clock tick over, but may we continue to enjoy real emotions with real human beings who matter deeply to us.

SJCC 1993-98 - 25th Year Reunion - An Emotion Revisited and Relived

About 50 people from various walks of life congregated for the 25th year reunion (Class of 1998) on the 13th of August 2023. This was no ordinary day. It was a day that made people over the age of 40, feel at least 20 years younger. But more importantly, this day generated an individual and collective emotional crescendo unlike any other, and one to be cherished forever. More importantly, it was a day that reinforced a very simple but powerful element of life that is sublime and truly divine, called friendship. 

The group is united by virtue of having walked through the hallowed portals of St. Joseph's of College of Commerce (SJCC), Bangalore during 1993-98. That is an institution which is known to shape people's character, not just provide education. And that character, coupled with extreme, high emotion was on ample display at this reunion.

After a handful of folks first assembled on the hallowed turf of SJCC in the morning, the singing of the college anthem in chorus was the first piece to kickstart this memorable day. The initial greetings of friends from yesteryear was a sight to behold, with the bewildered college watchman having to upskill his photographic skills to capture many a candid moment on camera! Singing the famous Joseph’s college anthem (so to speak!) with high decibel levels, in unison and smiling with pride made many of us remember our former days on this sacred campus. To even see a couple of folks walk up to the current crop of students (albeit female!), take photo-ops with them and sing the college anthem in parallel, was reminiscent of the naughtiness of yesteryear, interwoven with immense pride, responsibility and joy, that being a Josephite bestows on us. 

Some interesting twists included folks re-introducing themselves to others, as many were unrecognisable due to the natural evolution called age!

The group walk from the college grounds to the venue of the reunion was a dial back in time. All of us must have walked up and down Brigade Road back in 1993-98. While the street may be unrecognisable with all the commercial changes in it, the sentiment and thrill of walking up the long street did rejig many memories. Some may have recalled an ice-cream shop from yesteryear, others may have remembered the name of the restaurant where they had their first college date, some may have recalled specific milestones of their lives (buying a first rose, or a greeting card!), while most folks would have remembered the many birthday parties/hangouts (courtesy, bunking classes!). By extension, some folks may have even remembered the Brigade Road signal as the turning point for a walk to the erstwhile Galaxy theatre or the evergreen Pub World, or indeed longer walks with longer conversations for folks who boarded buses from Mayo Hall!

The restaurant bookings were well-organised and easy to navigate. But what certainly wasn't organised (and rightly so), was the unprecedented flow of emotion that hit most people in the group right after entering the restaurant. While the drinks and the food were according to script, the high quality of the warm, fun-filled conversations had absolutely no script. Steeped in high emotion, people met each other with the warmest (and at times, longest!) of hugs possible, coupled with the broadest of smiles and good wishes for each other. A polite hi, a quiet re-introduction, an exchange of current phone numbers, and then sitting down to having long, meaningful conversations happened seamlessly. While that may seem perfectly normal in a group setting, what cannot be described adequately enough is the warmth of greeting a fellow mate from the past. Even if he/she did not recognise the other! 

Of this group of 50, there were enough number of people who had not met at all for the entire duration of the last 25 years. And in some instances, about 15-20 years. Such folks actually had a very special reunion i.e., met 1-1, at times in extreme corners of the restaurant just to see each other's face all over again, laugh together, talk about each other's lives, drink and reminisce their very own divine times together from the past. That perhaps, had the highest possible emotion during the day, as these folks were awestruck, mesmerised and immensely elated to meet his/her friend who they cared about deeply, even after 20-25 years! In some of these conversations, the spoons barely moved from the plate to people's mouths, as folks were engrossed in the shield of an emotional bond, and lost in deep conversations that were far more concentrated than the ingredients used to prepare the food or drink in front of them! Imagine, not having met your best friend from college (doesn't matter if it was male/female), for the last 25 years? People quite literally, took off from where they left off in 1998. The emotional expressions in these conversations can never be justified by any camera's capabilities.

Interspersed in this maze, was clearly the leg pulling and recounting of specific events or experiences on college campus. Untold stories surfaced, past encounters with the opposite sex were seamlessly floated around, and there was extraordinarily good banter. Almost as a natural event, boys and girls (well, adults in their 40s now!) hit the dance floor and danced away to glory. Some of the guys even managed to focus their attention on specific ladies in the room and invited them onto the dance floor. And the lovely ladies obliged their male friends, without a hitch and without battling an eyelid, and hit the dancefloor immediately. It wasn't as hard for the boys to convince the girls now, compared to 20 years ago, when there may have been more competitors/suitors in the mix!

By contrast, discussions were also very professional in terms of trying to gauge and understand the dynamics of people's jobs, careers, industries and indeed work lives. The obvious contra to this was personal/family life or medical updates - sadly, not everyone had a universally happy update to share. Understandably, and quite brilliantly, the emotion in the room was elevated when people learnt of the distress in some of their mates' lives. There is this thing about this class from 1998 - we know to stand for each other, come what may.

While this blogpost is written on the 14th of August, 2023, the sea of emotion that has flown through in the group chat and in individual chats overnight and today, is quite unprecedented. Folks who attended yesterday's event are generally in a mesmerised, emotional state and most people are repeatedly finding it hard to focus on an actual day of work today. Perhaps, this underscores a moot point that human interaction, warmth, love, care with genuine, real friendship will never be passe. In an overly hyperconnected world, we still have real human beings craving for care, connect and attention. 

Yesterday is gone, today is here, and tomorrow will come. But, for those of us fortunate enough to be at the reunion yesterday, the high emotion that was experienced will never be forgotten. And in my humble view, SJCC at its very core is an emotion. Hard to express it in words, but quite sublime to experience. The 50 of us yesterday (and the broader set of friends who unfortunately couldn't make it to the reunion), will hopefully note what a treasured life experience we had from 1993-98. Every moment from those 5 defining years (personal and/or professional), is something to cherish forever and ever, irrespective of the idiosyncrasies of life.

Cheers to the next 25 years!

Interviewee to a Great Friend

It was 2007. We met in an office in Delhi. It was in a completely professional environment i.e., a girl by the name Ishita had applied for a job and I was conducting the interviews. The interview happened in a nice, air-conditioned conference room. All this seemed like a perfectly normal thing to occur in a company. Until the miracles of human relationships showed us its magic.

She was tall and strikingly beautiful. She spoke softly, clearly and answered every interview question with tremendous confidence. Her smile bamboozled me no end. I barely listened to her answers, as I was lost in her smile. That is how impressive she was (to look at!). Her intelligence and clarity of thought shone through the discussion.

I informed my VP that she should be hired. The VP thought otherwise and did not select her after his discussions with her. That was the end of that. Or, so it seemed.

Soon after the interview, I thanked Ishita for coming over and then went rushing to her friend who had referred her for the role. This friend, also worked in the same firm. I could not stop raving about Ishita's beauty (in hindsight, a very unprofessional remark to make) and kept saying how intelligent she was. My colleague smiled and said that Ishita was her closest friend and one of the smartest people around. And apparently, in the interim few minutes i.e., from the end of the interview till the time I got to my colleague's desk, Ishita had sent a WhatsApp message to her stating that she was impressed with me as well! Who said only boys check out girls?!

Interestingly, I am from the south of India (a Tamilian from Bangalore), and both these girls are from the east of India (Bengalis living in New Delhi). That is as far as diversity can get with everything different within the country- region, language, culture, dress codes, vegetarian vs non-vegetarian, personality, backgrounds, upbringing, and so on. But when minds and hearts connect, none of these differences come to the surface.

Ishita and I connected like fish in water. I met Ishita's son too, who was a cute kid at the time. We even hung out in a couple of places in Delhi, given that I was reasonably alien to the city. Of course, much after the interview we spoke both in Hindi and in English. I shared this blog page with her and she read many of them. And we pretty much shared our life history with each other. 

But, what was even more intriguing was the mesmerising tone of the Bengali language that I had always admired, and to listen to her speak so well. I was enamoured by the tone, the diction, the musicality of the language and the sheer artistic character of the way she spoke. Still am, to this day.

Ishita taught me what it means to be extraordinarily tough mentally and emotionally, based on all the harsh challenges she faced. I used to feel miserable that I could not do anything to help her resolve those challenges. My respect for her has grown manifold over time, and there is nothing that I will tolerate from anyone who has remotely anything negative to say about her. This lady will smile, and in doing so, will each us how to tackle life. Pure respect!

What is even more fascinating is that we met all of 5 times (at best!). I returned to Bangalore for another job and eventually moved abroad. We have not met since 2007. But the friendship is treasured to this day. It does not take beyond 1 second to reconnect even now. And to think, the interview lasted all of 30 minutes!

It was the most bizarre, yet seemingly the most natural association that ever happened to me. The type of conversations we had certainly is of the type that one can only have with folks who we can confide in, trust blindly, and have the complete confidence of never being judged. 

Since then, every time I conduct an interview, I remember that day in 2007. I have not made a single great friend after that day. I guess that is what is called, 'some scripts are written somewhere else. We are just the characters'.

This experience reinforces the belief that human beings are fundamentally configured to be social. To connect. We can connect at any level, and at any time, and in any situation.

May the miracles of human relationships long continue! And may this friendship that was certainly created by an act of God, in the given rare & improbable circumstances that it started in, long continue!

He taught us values, not just English

The world lost one of its greatest minds on 15 October 2021 with the demise of Mr. G.K. Govinda Rao (Link). The man was famous for his impeccable credentials as a thespian, thinker, and a political activist. But, he showed a privileged set of young, impressionable minds about 28 moons ago, a facade that will be treasured for those of us who experienced his class (literally & figuratively!). He was our English teacher when many of us from different schools in Bangalore city were beginning to find our feet in the early years of our college life. The fact that one can even dare to attempt penning a few lines about the great man, is testament to the impact he had on some of us. 

My earliest memory of GKG sir is that of a person with deep, piercing eyes with rimmed glasses and a baritone voice that engulfed our classrooms with supreme command over the English language. The first time I saw him was in 1993, when I entered college and saw him walk from the old staff room, climb up the old flight of stairs and make his way to the desk earmarked for teachers in the classroom. He wore coats (a rare phenomenon in that era) which seemed like they belonged to the English movies from yesteryear. But that was part of his personality i.e. the coat and the facade of the great man used to make me feel, ''boys and girls, I have seen life and its elements. Care to listen to what I might have to say, beyond your textbook?''. Not in as many words, but such was his presence and persona. Of course, his old-fashioned western coat blended perfectly with English, which is as western as it can get to begin with!

Beyond his outfits, his voice, his eyes and his glasses, I distinctly remember how quickly he demonstrated the essence of values and principles to many of us. A tad old-fashioned maybe, but I am very thankful that our batch belonged to an era that grew up without a gadget. We were able to concentrate on learning about human values from the great man, and those values continue to be meaningful to this day.

Yes, GKG sir taught us English as prescribed by our university. But, the manner in which he transformed our classroom atmosphere from a regular session to an imposing, highly charged, and extremely opinionated set up in a debate environment, is unforgettable. I do not remember most of the chapters from my English textbook. But I do remember how masterfully he nurtured our minds to think beyond the book, at a tender age of 15-16. Little did we realise that he was preparing us to think for ourselves.

A typical classroom debate had its cast of characters. Mainly, the toss up was between the last 5 rows (the intellectuals!) and the rest of the classroom. Most debates started with the least possible trigger i.e. a normal class would start with a chapter from our standard English textbook. But before we realised it, the atmosphere would transform itself into a high intensity, high decibel (yet polite!) and highly charged zone of its own. Back in 1993-94, it was unfathomable for any student to stand up to his/her teacher and debate. Or, even dare to have a point of view on anything. That was not the GKG style. He would actively participate in these debates and encourage us to discuss topics threadbare. These sessions were far more riveting than the textbook we had. 

The great man had a brilliant way of steering the class away from the standard script of our textbook and wringing in current affairs, politics, sports, drama/theatre, Indian history and so on, into the discussion. Remember, we were all at best 15 or 16 years old at the time and he impressed upon us, how to develop independent thought and opinion at that early age. Further, this enormously healthy but heated classroom environment was configured in a country that was not used to having any opinion on anything at that time. Most of us in the class barely had any exposure, experience or knowledge about the things in the world. And here was a man positively influencing teenagers to take a stance on the greatest challenges of that era! If that is not being far ahead of your times, I do not know what else is.

The all-time classic was the Mahatma Gandhi debate in 1994 - from the back of the class to the front, we would watch GKG sir's piercing eyes making a stronger point than his baritone voice did. He would up the ante and be even more wax eloquent than he normally was, when students took an opposite stance to his on M.K.Gandhi. Worth watching!

It helped immensely that he was by that stage of his life, running a parallel career as a thespian i.e. we saw his magnificent dramatic skills weave its magic with fantastic voice modulation, eye contact, and cheeks that would turn crimson when he made his point vociferously. In a college classroom, not at the drama school! It was a true masterclass that had a complete package of how to present oneself to a group with force, clarity, diction and enormous passion. None of this was from our textbook. But many of us learnt a lot more than what our textbook had to offer. To say that it was pulsating or gripping to watch, is an understatement.

Long before we entered first B.Com, we were told about GKG sir's mastery over Julius Caesar and his command over the life's work of William Shakespeare. Our seniors used to tell us that he made these all-time classics relatable to the world that we were living in. He sure did live up to that reputation. With the same, old-fashioned coat too! Ours was the last batch he taught in his year of retirement. Though I don't remember much of the content, I am eternally proud that I did not bunk even one of his classes!

I often think of the famous poem by Robert Frost, 'The Road Not Taken'. And I ponder over its famous opening lines, ''Two roads diverged in a yellow wood'' - those lines (and the poem) personify life. The poem teaches us that the paths of our lives are uncharted and we need enormous strength to navigate these paths. Some of those paths will diverge into realms of unimaginable proportions and with extreme intensity (positive/negative). We may/may not be equipped to handle the crossroads that emerge. The divergence and the degree of such divergence, can shake our core beliefs or reinforce them and thereby have lasting impact either way. Thing is, when we enter a path, we have absolutely no clue what is in store. Or, even the fair idea that we think we have, can change drastically (positively or negatively).

In all likelihood, that is what GKG sir would want us to do - learn and understand our own paths to the best of our abilities and our emotions, become strong enough to navigate those paths and work towards building a better tomorrow. Thank you, sir. It was a privilege to be in your classroom. You and your lessons will long be remembered and treasured. RIP.

Neighbour's Envy, Owner's Pride

For many of us, our growing years (depending on the country and culture we grew up in), has one key theme that is generally common i.e. living up to other people's expectations. What gets displaced in this notion, is the inability to understand our self-worth. Severely.

For years, we are told that we need to grow up to be this or that. Or, that ambition is the greater driver of success. Or, the environment or societal structure around us automatically infests us with comparability against peers. Nowhere in any of these demarcations is the ability to track, appreciate and reward an individual for his/her own individual worth. It almost appears that the definition of success is already prescribed, pre-written and one has to largely learn the rules to demonstrate the so-called Neighbour's version of your success (see last paragraph).

The definitive demarcation of class divide (in this respect, and not otherwise), is in the grading system that automatically indicates where a student may stack up, long before he/she has understood his/her own potential. Other indicators of this self-inflicted societal damage i.e. other person's opinion about you, include cars and brands that one uses, lifestyle choices on display, and the like. Most people who 'view' this success of the 'other', hardly ever check the liability side of the balance sheet of life. Sadly, that is how physical assets are by nature! If only goodwill and innate skills were measured with equal gusto and fanfare! But I guess they are not visible.

And that is the key - success is directly proportional to the 'visibility of success'. Like they say in the legal world, justice should be delivered, and equally so, justice should be seen to be delivered. It is extraordinary, in the times that we live in, that the other man/woman's certificate carries so much of weight in defining life choices and one's perceived measurement of success. 

For example, if a tennis player or any sportsperson were to measure his/her success against say, a Roger Federer, or a Rahul Dravid, or a Don Bradman, or a Pele, the player is going to be disappointed. Not because the current player is not as good as those folks. But the disappointment is more on account of the baseline that is set even before a match begins. What most people simply forget is the individual brilliance of a select few (like the names mentioned) that shone through and made them household names in their sport. It is impractical, and near impossible for others that follow, to be seen in the same grade. At best, the next group that follows the prior group, can build on top of what was done earlier. 

It is precisely here, that the templates of 'visible' success I refer to above, falls flat on its face i.e. the broad rules of success get rewritten in every era. Sadly, societal behaviour and perception, take a longer time to evolve.

I recently learnt of an incredible real-life story of a gentleman (who I do not know) in Netherlands. Here was a person who was brushing shoulders with the who's who of the corporate world globally, had access to most things that commoners could only dream of, flew in his own private jet etc. Living the dream, as the say.

After many years, this person decided to leave the corporate world and live in a remote part of Netherlands. In one instance, an Indian friend of mine (who was in the executive's team earlier), called him asking for guidance on travel options and sigh-seeing places in Netherlands, for somebody who was visiting from India. In particular, the enquiry was about a couple of places not frequented by international travellers.

Upon hearing this, this former corporate hotshot apparently told my friend that the visitor from India can contact him and he would be glad to take the visitor on a tour. My friend was surprised to hear this, as it is generally not reasonable to expect an ex-corporate biggie to be so generous with his time. It was then that this former Dutch corporate executive indicated to my friend that he was now a local tourist guide, and that he was enjoying it more than the old corporate job. Going back to where I started this article, did this gentleman live up to people's expectations? Or not? Or, did he define his own version of what he thought right and just. And arguably, enjoyed himself the most.

As the old Indian TV brand, Onida, had in its tagline, Neighbours Envy, Owner's Pride. Perhaps, the focus should be on Owner's Pride i.e. the neighbours will form their opinion of the owner, any which way. Might as well focus on one's own definition of living up to one's own expectations.

Ostracisation is the greatest punishment, when alive

In many ways, death they say, is the ultimate truth (maybe, taxes are the other close competitor!). But, for as long as man has known the world, the end to a human being's life is considered death. I have however, often wondered, what may be the end of the world, while a human being is still around. Based on whatever little I have seen of life till date, I am inclined to believe that ostracisation or the act of deliberate exclusion of a human being from a social circle or a group that he/she was otherwise a regular part of, is the ultimate piece of agony that one can experience when alive. I am convinced that COVID-19, is having the exact same effect on many of us, as ostracisation does. 

There are certain elements associated in getting ostracised that clearly demonstrate its extremity. And those elements are innate to how human beings are configured. For starters, man is a social being and is a function of the associations he/she has with people near and dear to him/her. This social interaction and innate ability to form, develop, nurture, and eventually cherish deep associations with near and dear ones, has a supreme effect on a person's psyche. Generally, they are positive. Such associations are a part of a person's mental configuration, symbolises the types of associations he/she cherishes, and has positive vibes which enter a sub-conscious level.

However, the act of ostracisation, defeats all the above innate elements of a person's social and psychological framework i.e. ostracisation is deliberate, intentional, and extremely pointed. It is akin to a part of a human being's life being taken away, when still alive. This act has immense implications that are highly underrated. Here are a few that I have observed over time:

• The human psyche is not used to disassociation i.e. the social elements of a human being's make up, is not wired to handle disconnection from other humans. 
• The mental make-up of a person finds it hard to justify not being included, or more specifically, excluded by intent in a social group/setting that he/she was always a part of. This usually becomes harder to handle if the ostracisation comes from quarters that a person cherished the most.
• Reasons for getting ostracised are never communicated directly by the party that is engaging in that act. Usually, the ostracisation is done in style, with an extremely polite or impersonal tone, that the aggrieved party (one being ostracised) does not process well at the time.
• Very specific disassociation by a select few, leading to further disassociation by other related parties, tends to impact the psyche even more i.e, a few people may choose to ostracise you for reasons best known to them. But there may be others who see that and extend the same courtesy to you, for reasons not known at all!
• There is absolutely no room for communication, negotiation, discussion, or your point of view being heard, when you are ostracised. It is generally a statement by the party that eliminates you from a group, which has the effect of, 'I am done with you, deal with it!'. Sounds like a movie dialogue, but this tends to be the case, more often than not!

Usually, being ostracised by one's nearest and dearest is what causes the greatest harm on one's psyche. It may be circumstantial. However, the act of ostracisation itself is done with the view to make the dismissed person, feel miserable with his/her life. This is a condition that the human psyche is simply not configured to handle. And the typical response is anger, or retaliation, or some such aggressive act.

Interestingly, no aggressive counteracting measure by the person who is ostracised, is going to help the aggrieved party or anyone else. If anything, aggression is the last thing an ostracised person should to. One needs to be calm, measured, considerate and extremely patient. Diversion of spare time (that would have otherwise been spent with the erstwhile cherished group that one was a part of) into more productive areas is a clear act of coping with ostracisation. Getting busy with life is another clear act of dealing with the excruciating feeling of ostracisation from one's social circle/group. Developing new approaches or interests to life helps cope with being dismissed. 

These options are easier to write about, than to do. But, since one cannot and does not control what other people do on this planet, the only option left is to control oneself and find coping mechanisms to deal with ostracisation. I am not entirely sure about seeking medical help, but that perhaps depends on the extremity of the impact on a person from such ostracisation.

In the last 15 months of extreme and deliberate disconnect from the real world, I have come to realise that ostracisation has its many forms. The post COVID-19 world is a hyper-connected world. But, even now, the human psyche is not configured to replace social interaction or social inclusiveness, with a gadget or an app. That, should explain what the impact of ostracisation in normal times or in extreme times, may mean.

The race for the external certificate

We clearly live in a world of hyper-competitiveness, when most people are trying to prove that he/she is the best in the world. Fair enough, but I often wonder if being number one is the only metric that matters. It is the race for this external certificate that has created a risk in the modern world, which most of us need to guard against. 

In a world of 7+ billion people, living across ~195 countries, it is but natural for people to want to stand out from the crowd and get noticed. It is almost inevitable that the front pages of media magazines get the most attention. And it is nearly impossible that in such a competitive world, anything except being numero uno, will get noticed.  With short attention spans, number one draws the maximum attention.

But, in my eyes, the race for this external certificate is a massive man-made disaster in the making. It creates divide. It creates class differentiation. It can easily have a negative effect on the folks who did not make it to the top. That title of number one can easily work to the detriment of a human being. Sadly, many of us have seen this happen way too often - let's examine a few examples.

Somebody gets passed over for a promotion, despite trying their hardest. Or, somebody else makes it to a top university while the other who might have tried equally hard, did not. Or, somebody gets to scale heights unimaginable in their profession, while others, who may be equally talented and deserving, do not get there. In other instances, class rankings and highest grades are another instance of the same risk.  Winning a debate or quiz competition creates divide. It's endless, the way we create this divide.

The root cause in each of the above examples, is the validation of an external certificate or recognition for an effort. Outcomes proven to the world. Great achievements, for the folks who made it, but it really has an enormous impact on many others. I am not psychologist, but there has to be a scientific/psychological reason for this. i.e. what do we get, by proving that someone or something made it to the top? Is it the only measure of success? Shouldn't we aspire to have a more balanced world, with greater equanimity, equality, equal distribution of wealth and power, more informed dialogue, or more peace? What does any external validation of someone being numero uno, ever contribute to any of these world outcomes?

Think of the same competitive spirit manifesting itself in the world of sport. It is understood so differently there. Even before a game starts, the viewer knows that one of the teams/players will win, and the other won't. Thus, when we see post-match interviews, one absolutely understands the emotion of the team/player that did not win the game on the given day. Just as we equally celebrate the winner! This is acceptable, understood and even expected, in the world of sport. We have all watched a game or two where the vanquished was celebrated for his/her herculean effort to win. Bjorg-McNroe Wimbledon finals in 1981, the South Africa v Pakistan cricket world cup semi-final in 1999, or the New Zealand v England final in 2020, to name a few. What I have failed to understand is, how the same mental conditioning is fundamentally absent in our minds, when it comes to other spheres?

Getting to number one is a sign of many things coming together such as hard work meeting opportunity, getting the appropriate recognition, and the supreme ability to be at the right place at the right time. Given the number of such elements that have to work in tandem in order for anything or anyone to succeed, it is almost natural for these elements to align themselves to a select few human beings. And therefore, it is of no consequence for any of us to feel inferior to anyone. The stars are aligned, as they say, only for a select few. But that is not permanent either.

Times change, circumstances change. And what is number one today will not be number 1 tomorrow. Let's drill into this a bit, mathematically.

The root of the competitiveness of getting to number one is just that i.e. there is only one spot at the top. It therefore means, by sheer probability and mathematical logic, that only one thing, entity or person can be numero uno. And such a spot is earned by a combination of the many elements described above, and that combination will not land on all 7+ billion people in the world. How I wish it did! Therefore, the only reasonable possibility for any human being is to try to be the best version of what they can be.

In closing, number one is a man-made definition of success. It overrides any other metric known to mankind. But, let us remember, that human evolution is a series of experiments by numerous other people, who never made it to number one. In this harsh corona-world, let us learn to appreciate each other for what we are and what we can do. Rather than, measuring another person purely based on the world's perception or definition of his/her success. As in sport, let us try to be the best version of ourselves. I am confident than it will help in human and world progress.

Success vs. the Perception of Success

For the longest time that I can remember, success was directly correlated to the title a person had. However, over time, the most important lesson for me has been learning to differentiate between success and the perception of success.

In terms of pedigree, one generally tended to get hooked on to the fancy newspaper headlines that carried the front-page news of top business school graduates landing plum jobs in different companies. That sure was convincing and had a drawing power that has its way of playing on the mind of people in their most impressionable age (teens). 

I have been a victim to these fancy headlines too (in my teens). More than anything else, these headlines made one believe that the definition of success was highly correlated to making those headlines. And doing anything else or anything less, is not going to be good enough. Or, for that matter, someone who went overseas early in life and got into some place with high pedigree was the be-all and end-all of a career. Absolutely nothing wrong with those outcomes and one is genuinely happy for the folks who get there, except for one thing.

These fancy headlines or great pedigrees do not provide an assessment of what you are good at, individually i.e. the difference between success and the perception of success.

In my experience and understanding (after many trials & tribulations), success is actually the exact opposite of what one sees in these newspaper headlines i.e. success is innate, personal, very individualistic, extremely arduous, and can never be a replica of someone else. The greatest design deficiency with the newspaper headlines and the fancy pedigrees that one sees all around is that there are no measures or indicators of whether they are cut out for your individual profile. Or, for that matter, whether that success that we see or are sold, is our definition of success i.e. what is good for someone else, need not be true for you. There is a fairly deep level of analysis, self-introspection, judgement and balance that is barely captured by the media.

To a large extent, I believe that success can only come to a person if one identifies one's areas of strength,, can hopefully get corresponding opportunities to match those areas of strength, and work harder than anyone else to maximize that opportunity. That is easier said than done and is a time-consuming process. There are so many things that need to fall in place for this thing called success to even occur in the way that you define it (and not somebody else's!) - opportunity, skill development, timing, good orientation, mentoring, patience, the incredible ability to digest failure and not fall by the wayside, learning, unlearning, and not repeating fundamental mistakes. 

We are generally not geared to handle all those things all at once. Hence, the folks who grab the newspaper headlines (i.e. perception of success) are not an indicator of what you can do. At best, one can (and should), draw inspiration from success stories, and see what attributes one can apply into one's own sphere.

For e.g. Rahul Dravid, my inspiration/role model (and arguably the greatest no.3 cricket batsman ever), once famously said that he enrolled for the Indian Chartered Accountancy (CA) programme as a back-up to his cricketing career. As soon as he opened the first chapter in his book, he redoubled his efforts in cricket! More importantly (and this is the crux), once he identified what he was absolutely a champion in, he gave it his all. And the results are there for the cricketing world to see! If only more number of us were able to synthesize our skills and definition of success as magically as the great man did!

One of the greatest quotes I have read also comes from the great Dravid. He once said, 'I  think we judge talent wrong. What do we see as talent? I think I have made the same mistake myself. We judge talent by people's ability to strike a cricket ball. The sweetness, the timing. That's the only thing we see as talent. Things like determination, courage, discipline, temperament, these are also talent'. That should seal the debate on what is success and what is the perception of success.

I genuinely wish this area of differentiating between success and perception of success is taught in school and college. The pain of wrongfully interpreting the perception of success as real success has a vast impact on the psyche, mental balance, overall personality and potentially one's outlook towards life. I have even seen folks go through depression when their perception of success did not happen in their career. Reorienting oneself to our strengths and opportunities on a constant basis, is one of the most enduring pillars of succeeding on one's own terms. That is barely taught in our younger days. 

No wonder we see the emergence of mental health as a complete new industry these days. That needs a separate blog of its own at some point.

The natural simplicity of being a Bangalorean!

For a while now, I have been living in other locations and internationally, as a part of my professional journey. Some of these journeys were planned, most of them were unplanned. But the more I live in places apart from home, the more I understand how much Bangalore shaped me - and, that is not restricted to professional skills alone. 

Bangalore always taught me to have a simple life and be simple at heart. And simplicity was a part of everyday life, without having to make an effort. To begin with, the extraordinary charm of breakfast options at some of the most iconic local vendors in my neighbourhood is just one example (fancy hotels are no match!). Or, indeed celebrating my birthday with only a samosa, a piece of a cake, a Pepsi (perhaps the most modern drink back then!) and a few friends around, in a traditional place like Nilgris! Or, discussing with friends about the cricket columns in The Hindu newspaper by that fabulous sports journalist R. Mohan, or, the tennis columns in the same newspaper by Nirmal Shekhar. Or, writing (and receiving) very long letters to (from) cousins and a couple of very dear friends. Still remember the time when I received an international mail, and the postman told me that there is a foreign stamp on it for my collection! Or, having an hour long conversation with friends, after class on campus. 

Simple, quite simply, was the essence all around and part of everyday life. I am convinced that it was also because of the time available at that time, which allowed many of the above experiences. Not to mention the fact that there were very few distractions that were available, which enabled simplicity so naturally. Progress is phenomenal, but wonder if simplicity is as natural as it used to be - a bit unsure.

Bangalore also taught me how people from so many walks of life can co-mingle and co-exist peacefully. That may be true of other places too, but one felt a certain warmth, affinity, and inclusiveness in Bangalore. To some extent, and in a very strange yet significant way, this peaceful co-existence and affinity was possibly because of the nature of that era in Bangalore i.e. our generation is the last generation that grew up without a gadget in our hand. We, therefore, have that innate ability to converse. Deep, engaging conversations with people who matter to us, irrespective of any irrelevant, man-made classifications. Half-jokingly, the ability to have long conversations is a lot like Test cricket - deep, impactful, memorable, and truly treasured for the ages! :) Call me a connoisseur ;)

It is hard to explain this natural simplicity in a modern world of WhatsApp/Signal messages or Zoom calls for virtual bonding. And the sheer variety of regular places that offered this natural simplicity in their character and design i.e. one hardly thought of ambience, customer experience, discount coupons, or any of the commercial freebies of today. Places that immediately come to mind are - India Coffee House, CTR, Lalbagh walks, Nilgris, Corner House, Vidhyarthi Bhavan, Chit Chat, a walk along the boulevard at MG Road , Rangashankara, Ravindra Kalakshetra, Chowdiah Hall, etc! I once entered a newspaper office (Deccan Herald/The Hindu - don't remember exactly), and I thought I had been transported back a 100 years looking at those office layouts! But they had some of the most celebrated journalists you can think of, who wrote, deep, meaningful articles - aah, how I miss the Sunday edition of The Hindu and its supplement! Class apart!

There is one other angle about Bangaloreans of my time that goes relatively unnoticed. We are the last generation that were fortunate to see the last leg of the traditional, laid back, pensioner's paradise/garden city. Long before the tectonic changes arrived and the meteoric rise of the city as a global technology hub hit us. But, clearly, to this day, I am convinced that having our roots in that old guard, and having seen the changes in the city unfold right before us, makes me highly appreciative of how this great city shaped my fundamentals for life ahead. And helps appreciate the values of being simple, forever!

Will always be a simple Bangalorean at heart! Quite no place like home!

Perform, to keep people quiet

For eons, I have been told about the million things that I am incapable of doing. In the 'expert' opinion of people who offered this free, unsolicited advise, either I am not talented enough, or at other times, I am plain lazy and not committed enough. My only response to these people (and there are more than a handful of them), has been a combination of sheer rage inside of me, followed up by that famous word in the modern world - performance.

I have lost count of the number of times I was told, are you a real accountant? When my answer initially was that of a finance professional (MBA-Finance), and later on, a Cost & Management Accountant, I was told those are not good enough. Sure, I fully understand that those qualifications are not certified by the Government of India as authorized signatories to financial statements, as statutory or external auditors are. But what did people mean when they said that I was not a real accountant? Did they care testing me on any of my subjects? Did they operate on hearsay? Most of them were non-finance people, who knew precious little about what it takes to do any of those excruciating professional programs. But, the barrage continued and was endless. I was luckily self-motivated enough and fortunate enough to go and do a US CPA. And become the only Indian with a US CPA in a global department of 150 people across 45 countries - the other 5 who have that CPA are Americans (see last 3 lines of this blog too). Now, the same people who had their freebie-opinions about me earlier, had nothing to tell me. The only way to close the gap between their lips, is to perform. 

At other times, I was told by some people, 'why are you struggling in India and not going abroad'? This was in my early 30s, when I had about a decade's work experience.  In my mind and heart, I was perfectly ok in India, around my own ecosystem, experiencing an economy that was growing at 8%, getting varied opportunities in every part of the country (Gurgaon, Noida, Chennai, Hyderabad, Mumbai) and actually seeing growth for myself. Further, I am truly Indian at heart and completely Bangalorean by configuration/design. I loved every second of my time in my own place. Obviously, some people did not like that. One senior citizen even told me this, 'It is rare to see youngsters love India these days, refreshing to see you' (I guess that was a rare compliment!). Yes, in another blog, I had written that my US MBA plans bombed, but that never meant I was not ok in India. But, the unsolicited opinions continued to flow, and I did not respond for a long time. Until, there was a point where it pays to have young blood in your veins and I unleashed what was on my mind to those people. And in no small measure. Have never seen them since (thankfully so!). 

To their credit, the people who were asking me about why I wasn't abroad yet, were influenced by their trips to different countries, as a tourist. They appeared to be eminently dazzled by the foreign land. But, what I found (and still find) ridiculous is how and why people are incapable of understanding that a young person is fully and eminently capable of loving his own country. Also, none of those people had the fundamental understanding that an opportunity needs to present itself to go abroad. Their children went abroad in the late '90s - good for them. Why was I wronged to be in India, to love India and to indeed be at peace and live happily in my own place? And, for added measure, I do not belong to the 'fraternity of people' who spend lakhs of rupees on immigration consultants to emigrate. Yet again, performance was my greatest friend. I got transfers - to the US and later to Germany. And for my own pride, I was sent abroad in a world-class IT MNC (not a random shop) i.e. I did not ask for a transfer. And no, I did not need any immigration consultant to 'make my documents' - I was given the professional opportunity to gracefully emigrate, with 100% company-sponsorship. Perform, and grab the chance when you get it, based on your merit.  It will automatically close the space between the lips of people who talk needlessly.

Undoubtedly, my greatest friend has been performance and focus. It has not and will not be an easy professional ride, and has not or will not be perfect either - whether at home or abroad. But, I have learnt that the only way I can keep noise out of my life, especially when it is unsolicited, is to perform with laser focus. Try to do what I know and what I think I know, to the best of my ability. And leave the rest to destiny. As Dravid said, 'I am not as talented as other cricketers, but I can work harder than anybody in the game'. And like in test cricket (which is the framework for my life), put in the hard yards, stay at the crease, and the runs will flow. Do not target a triple century, just do your job. In doing this, if you are wearing the India jersey, whether you are in Bangalore, or in Philadelphia,  or in Frankfurt, you are doing your country proud! That is an irresistible and exhilarating feeling, that is unmatched. Let the unsolicited advice keep flowing i.e. I can keep feeling exhilarated of being Indian, wherever I am!

Social media is omnipresent, but its roots are from an offline world!

As a social being, man has a natural orientation to interact, love, befriend, associate and engage with other human beings in his/her circle. But, in the last few years, I have almost always noticed how people have deliberately chosen to disassociate on a personal basis, simply because of the advent of social media. The more hyper-connected we are digitally, the less connected we have ended up, socially.

There are tons of virtues in social media. It can connect so many things and people not thought of before. Nobody ever possibly imagined social media to become commercial entities running real businesses. But what social media completely misses, despite its virtues, is the sheer inability to replace the in-person connection i.e. the root of human's psyche. Maybe I am old school, but there is a certain charm that is experienced with in-person interaction, that almost remains unmatched to this day. 

When I was in school and college, the greatest joys of life were in the bonds of friendships that were forged on campus. This is not pre-historic, but part of recent history i.e. within the last 20+ years. Some of my greatest times in life, were in school and college. Back then, diversity in opinion was welcome. There was old world charm of deliberately spending quality time with friends talking about studies, life, girlfriends, relationships, career ambitions, dreams et al. Having lunch with each other was good fun. There was no app anywhere at the time either. 

Of course, it was not picture perfect and obviously friendships from that time had its ups and downs too, like with everything else. But, one forged wonderful memories based on real bonhomie, which till date, does not take too long to rekindle. There was hardly ever a discomforting public embarrassment that I remember, which is such a common thing on social media now. Equally, I remember many an instance, when many of us did not have the best of days, some of us experienced personal tragedies, and were physically present to lend a shoulder of support. In as much as social media can connect anyone, it will never have the ability to create such real bonds with people. E.g. what is this virtual, digital hug all about? I for one, have never gotten my head around it! ;)

Interestingly, the same generation that I grew up in, seamlessly migrated to the digital world. But, whenever there is the opportunity for an in-person interaction, we are equally at ease in putting down our gadgets, looking into one another's eyes, and talking to each other (instead of sending smileys!). Real, powerful, meaningful, and deep conversations. And the rest of the time, we continue to be connected digitally. What is uniquely distinct though, is that the digital conversations surprisingly hover around topics of mutual interest that has its roots from what we had framed 20+ years ago! Be it discussing cricket, or chatting about a other friends, or world views on education or politics, or plain banter. Thankfully, at least to my generation, social media has not destroyed a real conversation. Our roots are actually from the offline world!

There is a common, and notoriously mischievous phrase called WhatsApp University these days, which will transmit information faster than what the news channels can. But WhatsApp is an extension of precisely what we have all done offline for years i.e. to converse, to engage, and to stay connected. Social media is only taking off from that fundamental human trait, but has a structure and presentation which is perhaps different. There can be no WhatsApp, if nobody wants to be in touch with one another. 

But, what is it that the offline world has, which WhatsApp might never have? It is knowing the person behind the digital message. E.g. I have had the fortune of having intelligent, non-judgmental WhatsApp group chats with many of the same folks, all of whom, never had a phone on campus. Therefore, any opinion now cited on WhatsApp, is not judged. Simply because, the people receiving the WhatsApp message have known the sender in person, long before WhatsApp came along. That is the power of personal connectivity. No amount of digital connectivity is going to replace that!

The most impersonal thing that I find on social media is greeting a person on an occasion (birthday, wedding anniversary, or any other special day). A modern day birthday typically has a flood of WhatsApp or Facebook messages. Festivals have enough and more graphical designs to greet each other (impersonally!). When was the last time any of us received a WhatsApp or phone message starting with the words, Dear ___(your name), followed by the message? How many of these messages are a function of people genuinely remembering your birthday, and how many of those messages are a function of automated birthday reminders, is a moot question. These are so impersonal, almost robotic at times.

There are ways to tackle such robotic greetings! I have seen 3 of my most cherished friends who stay away from being impersonal/robotic. All 3 of them have done the same thing (none of them know the other!). One of them (a fabulously talented girl from Bangalore), switched off the birthday reminder feature on her Facebook account. The only people who greet her are the ones who genuinely remember the occasion. Similarly, she will never send me a forwarded message on WhatsApp, but we talk to each other over video for an hour+ easily, in every call. I was once boarding a flight on her birthday and had no way of calling her internationally then. It was the only occasion in my life I sent her a WhatsApp greeting and it was so odd! 

Or, my two other friends (both tall, charming, nice guys and C-level executives now), who do the exact same thing, but stay in touch wherever they are in the world. Even now when we meet, we have so many options to consider - go for a walk, board the local train and walk on Marine Drive, eat at our old neighbourhood eateries in Malleswaram, play badminton or watch cricket, have a long conversation etc - there is no gadget around at all! This is not a statement against social media, but it is an expression of how to retain personalised, real connect in a hyper-connected world. Having digital around is a bonus, but not a necessary condition to regale in the wonderful friendship that I have with all 3 of these fabulous people!

Of course, there are some characters who have conveniently ostracized me, despite being hyperactive online - per the alerts one gets due to common connections. But that ostracization is not because of social media, but more because of the intent of the person who chooses to disassociate. In these instances, the intention not to have a personal connection with somebody, overrides the ability of any social media that can help engage with others. I guess, social media will never find a replacement for this either i.e. human intent to disconnect or disengage. To that extent, human beings will still control the world!

It has been a fascinating ride from an offline world to a digital world. Interestingly, we are the last generation that even saw the offline world, a mere 20+ years ago. And many of us, though now fully adapted to digital, still appreciate our original association in an offline mode. Call it old school, but those are experiences that are genuinely cherished. Having a real conversation whilst sitting with a dear old friend at his/her house (or vice-versa), with a cup of tea in hand, or staying overnight to watch a late night cricket match together, or sitting in a train on a long journey with a friend with the deepest of conversations, are human experiences that can never ever be replaced. May it long continue, despite social media continuing to distract us, overpower us and trying to control our time.

The nonsense of comparisons

For as far back as I can remember, comparisons have been a part of my life. What is worse, I never actually knew that I was quite affected by it, till I decided never to be crushed by that force.

And what a force it was. Comparisons of exam scores of friends in school, comparisons of cousins who went abroad, and so on. It was an endless spree of comparisons, almost anywhere I went or anyone I met early on. Sadly, despite fully understanding the incredible power of comparisons to crush a person's psyche, I never did anything about it for a long time.  

Comparison no.1 - the earliest comparison that I experienced was people in the late '90s/early 2000's, telling me to move to the US. Nobody gave me a basis as to why I needed to go abroad when I was perfectly fine and happy at home. Nor did I analyse further. The closest to receiving any basis back then, was that my sister had married and moved to the US. So, it is only logical that I should get there too. It never occurred to anyone (or me) engaging in these comparisons, that my background, my interests, my professional profile, and indeed my stage in life at the time, was tremendously different from hers. I ended up applying to top US MBA programmes, only to discover that not one of them ever gave me an interview call.  I drowned in confidence. I despaired. I even didn't know what else to do. This US MBA was supposed to be the passport to a glorified life. Little did I realise, that my skills were never in doing those fancy MBAs. Hell, it was so bad that I left my Chartered Accountancy course, to go after the pipe dream of a US MBA, without ever analysing my own strengths. It took me a circuitous route to get into my own area (currently, internal audit), and in a different way I am happy I touched strategy, consulting, research and analysis and other areas before landing up in my own core domain. Lesson learnt - listen to advise, and ignore them if they have no basis (doesn't matter WHO is giving you that advise). 

Comparison no.2 - it is important to do well in life and become somebody. While this may sound tremendously motivating and inspiring, it is the tone in which this line is stated, that makes a difference. When done professionally, with the right intent and with the true spirit of excellence, I don't think anyone has a problem with such lines. But, when the same thing is stated with the subtleties of sarcasm, or is embedded with laces of comparison that you are a nobody, or has some level of underlying judgement that you are currently not good enough, the same line takes a complete different meaning. Sadly, for me, I faced the latter, from multiple people. It needed a tremendous amount of distilling of the intent of such advice to learn who meant well, and who didn't. Lesson learnt again - distil advise, but more importantly read tone of such advise correctly - not everyone means well.

Comparison no.3 - I did my ICWA and then my US CPA much later in life, when I was 35+. I never had an issue with it. My wife and parents motivated me more than I ever could ask for. I almost didn't have to do it, as I had the so-called good job in hand, was travelling countries, had an international assignment etc. Looks good from the outside, right? But, I was the only one on the planet who knew that I never should have written those US MBA exams in my 20s and only ever did it because of the nonsensical comparisons around me. I knew I always had wanted to do the top most accounting and finance professional qualifications out there. But the questions continued well into my 30s - why ICWA and CPA now? Isn't it late? What benefit will it give you? The people who compared, kept saying the same things, albeit in a more circumspect way, as I was now 35+ and supposedly adult. But, their underlying tone was as constant (and this time, discernible), as it was in the late '90s. Thankfully, this time, I did not bother listening to any advise. Lesson learnt - do things for the sheer passion of doing it, especially if the only certificate you ever want is the certificate to prove things to yourself and to keep your head high. Really, nothing else matters in professional life.

After all these experiences (there are many, many more), I am convinced that comparisons are the greatest bane to a person's confidence. What one person can do, is never a template for what any other person can do. The only possibility is for one to learn from the other, even if the other is better than oneself - absolutely nothing wrong with that. But, to deviate from the fundamentals of who you are, that too professionally, and listening to the nonsense of comparisons, will only work to one's detriment. I can only think of my idol, Rahul Dravid who said in an interview, 'It is easy to be dazzled by Tendulkar at the other end of the pitch and to see what he does, but one should not forget what one can do'. Or, as Harsha Bhogle famously said, 'I cannot do what Tendulkar does and he cannot do what I can do'. I am thankful I suffered the nonsense of comparisons in my 20s, and had time to fix it - more a necessity than anything else. Lessons learnt for life - listen to advice, but if it makes no sense, do not bother.