Can deep scars be cherished by human beings?

It should come as no surprise to anyone in our world today that we as human beings go through so much in our lifespan. There are enough life experiences for us to treasure and regale in happiness. By equal measure, we have enough experiences that make us feel that we can no longer find the strength to even exist. Highs are easier to handle given the positive vibes around it. However, can we find ways to treasure our deepest scars, instead of destroying ourselves because of them? Easier said than done, but maybe something to consider.

Happiness has its way of coming to us in so many ways and from so many places.

We are configured to feel happy when positive things happen to us. E.g. we pass very tough competitive exams, or we get the job of our dreams, or we chase our professional dreams and achieve them, or we go on vacations to exotic places, or we buy materialistic things that we like (ignore the credit card debt!). And many more....!

Or, happiness can be far more abstract. E.g. we fall in love and experience its extraordinary magic, or we sit with our dearest friends and have the deepest conversations of life and regale in their timeless company, or we go to the exact same joints that we used to from 20 years ago with our dearest friends and family, or we get up in the morning and inhale fresh oxygen, or a dear old friend wakes us up at 6 am, or you pay a surprise visit on his/her birthday and treasure the happiness forever, or we simply cannot put a magical book down while sipping a cup of tea and listening to classical music. There are people who of course, are naturally happy without any of these things - a true privilege!

But scars are very different. And, a tad too intense.

At the very root of any deep scar is the fundamental fact that things or results or expectations from things or people or situations that mattered the most to us, did not pan out. This hits us hard, very hard. It starts with extreme disappointments and can manifest itself into very high emotional lows that we struggle to negotiate. There are some scars that we can do nothing about and that transports us into a state of perennial agony, which takes us even deeper into an abyss of pain. 

The deeper the scar, the deeper it sustains and the deeper is its ferocity and velocity that makes us cringe. There could be scars that some of us may carry for life, because those are most likely to be the truest part of our being, and generally impossible to handle. However, strong we may think we may be.

However, deep, real scars teach us our greatest life lessons. It is generally in hindsight that we are able to identify (albeit, analytically and not emotionally), as to why the scars came about in the first place. And when our cognitive abilities take over and enable us to understand the reasons (at least, as we understand it), we then potentially have some chance of appreciating the past experience. 

But can we learn to cherish our deepest scars?

Regale in the truth that such a bad situation even happened to us and once upon a time that situation had the possibility of becoming our greatest dream coming true. Credit ourselves that we were once in a situation that many other people may not even get to experience. Enjoy the feeling that the time that we had (prior to the scar) made us delirious, gave us so much of hope, helped us believe in the art of the possible.

Of course, every time we try to cherish our scar, the pain and intensity of our emotion towards it may multiply. But, that is where we need to reinforce our believe that if I was able to put myself in such a situation of realising my greatest dreams, that itself is a strength. And we should find ways to use the learnings from that scar to keep building life forward with a positive view.

Make no mistake about it -  the emotion and the deep-rooted intensity of a life scar will simply not go away (as long as it was real and so genuine from the get go). But, scars have strengths that almost nothing else has. We should learn to leverage and treasure our scars with enormous fondness. It might just help us.

Memories are a function of their substance

Memories are generally personal and unique to each person. However, not all of our life experiences are memorable. The ones that are truly treasured are a core part of our self. Why is this so? My submission is that substance is the cornerstone of building a life with great memories. The more the substance, the more we cherish those memories and the more we draw from them, and the more we gravitate towards them. Perhaps, this is far more personal and far deeper than we think it is. 

The word substance in the context of life's memories is one of the most abstract human experiences. This is especially true in our initial years when our mind is not yet fully developed and we are still absorbing many things like a sponge. More often than not, that is the time of our lives when we make the deepest bonds with people we eventually care about for life and form the core environment that contributes to who we are. These abstract life experiences, replete with substance, tend to sustain over long periods of time. The simpler they are, the more meaningful they become. 

Here are a handful of examples (with our most cherished friend(s)) - e.g. going to a cafe nearby, reading books together, waking up each other from one another's house early in the morning, being the first to wish each other on a birthday, going out on a weekend trip, writing long letters to each other and pouring every emotion and thought into it, visiting a library together, going on long walks together, sharing an ice cream, sitting at a bus stop for hours together, attending/not attending class together, watching a movie, looking deep into each other's eyes and knowing precisely what the other person is going through without a word being uttered, offering help without one ever asking for it, or just sitting in a coffee shop and looking at each other and engaging in the deepest conversations possible, or showing up at your friend's house unannounced on his/her birthday, etc.. 

Alternatively, these experiences could also be long conversations with one's sibling. Or, visiting a temple together with your friend and/or family. Or, talking for hours together with your partner about gaining strength to face life. Or, taking the trouble of crossing the entire city just to be with your friend for an entire afternoon. And so on. 

Each of the above instances may appear to be an individual activity. But, a series of these activities, performed over an entire generation with our most cherished mates/family and in the environment that we are used to, becomes the cornerstone of our life's substance. Interestingly, none of these fond memories have a gadget or technology attached to them. They are pure experiences with a human to human connect. They last a lifetime.

The obvious question is, why do our deepest memories feel that much more special than other life experiences? I am convinced that this is a function of the depth, relevance and meaning of those memories to our lives. They form the core of our identity, our thinking and our psyche. Anything new and relevant is good to know but is most likely not something we relate to easily. We love to hold on to what we know, and to what we have and with the people who matter to us. We have familiarity zones to draw from and from the environment that we most naturally associate ourselves with.

We may traverse this earth and see different places and even live in different parts of the world. However, if we are true to ourselves, it is hard to replicate our feeling of belongingness to any other place except to the place of our origin. That feeling is such an overpowering force that it constantly reminds us of who we really are. There is strong merit in saying 'home sweet home'!

In many instances, I have experienced an elevated sense of emotion and thrill of recounting great memories, only (and purely) because those special moment(s) were intrinsically attached to a person. In other words, those moment(s) with anyone else, would not have any relevance or meaning in life. That is a high that has no parallel in human emotion. As they say, ''Life is short. Spend it with people who make you laugh and feel loved''. I was truly lucky in experiencing those highs, which can and never will be replicated with anyone else. Those moment(s) are treasured as a celebration of life!

Borrowing a quote from a Twitter (rather X) feed, ''Anyone can make you smile, many people can make you cry, but it takes someone really special to make you smile with tears in your eye''. When one gets to experience that and also enjoy the original environment of one's life, it helps us understand why substance, over anything else, matters the most. And how most of us will cherish precisely those moments, eventually!

Can time do anything except change the time on the clock?

The primary function of a clock is to move time forward. Seconds to minutes to hours to days to weeks to months to years, and eventually to decades and centuries. However, in our lifetime, does human emotion change towards people in our lives (current or past) with the passage of time? Or, is human emotion towards people who matter to us, a core part of the identity of who we are?

Mankind is known to progress into successive generations using this natural evolution that is fundamentally measured in time. Of course, in the modern world, technological changes manifest themselves with great velocity and makes one wonder if the future is already here, or whether an evolution is still underway. However, while are alive, the evolution taking place in our era is obviously unique to that point in time. And the individual evolution (physical and emotional) that each one of us experiences in the era that we live in, is supremely unique.

It is particularly hard to assess human emotions that run deep for either personal materialistic things or for fellow human beings who matter. Perhaps, the emotion for materialistic possessions is a lot easier to manage, as there may be an opportunity to get something newer, bigger or better. That option, sadly, is not necessarily or easily available when it comes to our deep emotions towards fellow human beings. Typically, our emotion towards the people who matter to us is an individual feeling that cannot be replaced easily by anybody else who may be newer, bigger or better!

To my mind, there is simply no template to managing human emotion towards our chosen fellow mates i.e. the way we connect with these special people initially, decides the nature of the emotion that we have towards him/her. That first emotion may be either pleasant or unpleasant, or at best, neutral. The depth of the emotion that evolves later is undefined i.e. the ticking clock may manifest itself into a deep, personal, lasting relationship with the other person(s), or the ticking clock may only provide a relationship that is passe. Human emotion, decides how deep it would like such an association with the fellow mate to be. The ticking clock does not decide that.

When it comes to our interactions with fellow human beings who we care deeply about, I am convinced that the depth of our emotion towards them has a way of influencing us in many ways. Be it a close friend from our younger days (usually, this has an impact for life), or a professional colleague who becomes a mate, or a client who turns into a great friend/associate, or any other scenario where human beings interact in a very meaningful way - the result is essentially a function of how deeply the core values we hold dear has a correlation with the core values of the other individual(s). More the overlap in these core values, greater the chance of a lifetime bond. And interestingly, trust (and not time), defines how deep the bond will be.

In most cases, once that trust is established and the fundamental human emotion decides to include the individual(s) into one's life, the role of a ticking clock then plays its part i.e. we spend extraordinary number of hours (or even years) with people who end up meaning the world to us. Here, the function of time enables us to discover the depth of our human emotion for our chosen fellow homo sapiens, enjoy the many life experiences with him/her/them and relish the opportunities to build extraordinary memories that last a lifetime. What makes this combination even more memorable (and therefore deeper), is when the emotion that we have towards the other person(s) is reciprocated in equal measure (if not more!). Greater/longer the association, greater/longer is the depth of the emotion towards the individual(s).

What still astounds me, is that the relationships developed in our formative years, when we are at our most impressionable, has the deepest meaning and the greatest emotional connect that we can possibly ever have. It may just be a function of the age and the time when our lives are getting formulated, but those bonds have a way of remaining special long into our lives. Seriously, a lovely feeling to experience!

In this context, the passage of time does absolutely nothing i.e. the world may change in front of us, we may not be in touch with the other individual(s), we may cross continents, or be in different places in the same country, or be completely disconnected with one another, but the depth of our emotion for our chosen fellow mate(s) is extraordinarily resilient. We don't even realise the depth of this emotion given the general structure of a busy life. What is staggering is that this human emotion can easily be elevated, enhanced, enriched and enjoyed at even greater proportions than at the original time of connect, without our even realising it - especially when the opportunity to reconnect presents itself. The bond is the core, and that bond is not bounded by location or time. Staggeringly true!

Of course, there could be the other extreme that what was once an extraordinarily strong bond with a fellow human being(s) turns into a relationship that completely disintegrates, dissipates or discontinues for different reasons. Interestingly, in this scenario as well, the emotion for the individual(s) can continue to remain strong (positive or negative), even after the disconnect. Sadly, this is something that we have consciously manage and ensure that it does not hinder the rest of our lives i.e. human beings are not wired to naturally recover from lost connections that once mattered (and perhaps continue to matter, even after the association ended). 

In summary, there is a huge difference in the actual association with individual(s), and the emotion for that individual(s). The emotion lasts, even if the relationship may/may not last. In a hyperconnected world, it is refreshing to note that human emotion is still unique, alive, special and is something that continues to define us. The evolution of time simply cannot take away a core part of who we are. Let the clock tick over, but may we continue to enjoy real emotions with real human beings who matter deeply to us.

SJCC 1993-98 - 25th Year Reunion - An Emotion Revisited and Relived

About 50 people from various walks of life congregated for the 25th year reunion (Class of 1998) on the 13th of August 2023. This was no ordinary day. It was a day that made people over the age of 40, feel at least 20 years younger. But more importantly, this day generated an individual and collective emotional crescendo unlike any other, and one to be cherished forever. More importantly, it was a day that reinforced a very simple but powerful element of life that is sublime and truly divine, called friendship. 

The group is united by virtue of having walked through the hallowed portals of St. Joseph's of College of Commerce (SJCC), Bangalore during 1993-98. That is an institution which is known to shape people's character, not just provide education. And that character, coupled with extreme, high emotion was on ample display at this reunion.

After a handful of folks first assembled on the hallowed turf of SJCC in the morning, the singing of the college anthem in chorus was the first piece to kickstart this memorable day. The initial greetings of friends from yesteryear was a sight to behold, with the bewildered college watchman having to upskill his photographic skills to capture many a candid moment on camera! Singing the famous Joseph’s college anthem (so to speak!) with high decibel levels, in unison and smiling with pride made many of us remember our former days on this sacred campus. To even see a couple of folks walk up to the current crop of students (albeit female!), take photo-ops with them and sing the college anthem in parallel, was reminiscent of the naughtiness of yesteryear, interwoven with immense pride, responsibility and joy, that being a Josephite bestows on us. 

Some interesting twists included folks re-introducing themselves to others, as many were unrecognisable due to the natural evolution called age!

The group walk from the college grounds to the venue of the reunion was a dial back in time. All of us must have walked up and down Brigade Road back in 1993-98. While the street may be unrecognisable with all the commercial changes in it, the sentiment and thrill of walking up the long street did rejig many memories. Some may have recalled an ice-cream shop from yesteryear, others may have remembered the name of the restaurant where they had their first college date, some may have recalled specific milestones of their lives (buying a first rose, or a greeting card!), while most folks would have remembered the many birthday parties/hangouts (courtesy, bunking classes!). By extension, some folks may have even remembered the Brigade Road signal as the turning point for a walk to the erstwhile Galaxy theatre or the evergreen Pub World, or indeed longer walks with longer conversations for folks who boarded buses from Mayo Hall!

The restaurant bookings were well-organised and easy to navigate. But what certainly wasn't organised (and rightly so), was the unprecedented flow of emotion that hit most people in the group right after entering the restaurant. While the drinks and the food were according to script, the high quality of the warm, fun-filled conversations had absolutely no script. Steeped in high emotion, people met each other with the warmest (and at times, longest!) of hugs possible, coupled with the broadest of smiles and good wishes for each other. A polite hi, a quiet re-introduction, an exchange of current phone numbers, and then sitting down to having long, meaningful conversations happened seamlessly. While that may seem perfectly normal in a group setting, what cannot be described adequately enough is the warmth of greeting a fellow mate from the past. Even if he/she did not recognise the other! 

Of this group of 50, there were enough number of people who had not met at all for the entire duration of the last 25 years. And in some instances, about 15-20 years. Such folks actually had a very special reunion i.e., met 1-1, at times in extreme corners of the restaurant just to see each other's face all over again, laugh together, talk about each other's lives, drink and reminisce their very own divine times together from the past. That perhaps, had the highest possible emotion during the day, as these folks were awestruck, mesmerised and immensely elated to meet his/her friend who they cared about deeply, even after 20-25 years! In some of these conversations, the spoons barely moved from the plate to people's mouths, as folks were engrossed in the shield of an emotional bond, and lost in deep conversations that were far more concentrated than the ingredients used to prepare the food or drink in front of them! Imagine, not having met your best friend from college (doesn't matter if it was male/female), for the last 25 years? People quite literally, took off from where they left off in 1998. The emotional expressions in these conversations can never be justified by any camera's capabilities.

Interspersed in this maze, was clearly the leg pulling and recounting of specific events or experiences on college campus. Untold stories surfaced, past encounters with the opposite sex were seamlessly floated around, and there was extraordinarily good banter. Almost as a natural event, boys and girls (well, adults in their 40s now!) hit the dance floor and danced away to glory. Some of the guys even managed to focus their attention on specific ladies in the room and invited them onto the dance floor. And the lovely ladies obliged their male friends, without a hitch and without battling an eyelid, and hit the dancefloor immediately. It wasn't as hard for the boys to convince the girls now, compared to 20 years ago, when there may have been more competitors/suitors in the mix!

By contrast, discussions were also very professional in terms of trying to gauge and understand the dynamics of people's jobs, careers, industries and indeed work lives. The obvious contra to this was personal/family life or medical updates - sadly, not everyone had a universally happy update to share. Understandably, and quite brilliantly, the emotion in the room was elevated when people learnt of the distress in some of their mates' lives. There is this thing about this class from 1998 - we know to stand for each other, come what may.

While this blogpost is written on the 14th of August, 2023, the sea of emotion that has flown through in the group chat and in individual chats overnight and today, is quite unprecedented. Folks who attended yesterday's event are generally in a mesmerised, emotional state and most people are repeatedly finding it hard to focus on an actual day of work today. Perhaps, this underscores a moot point that human interaction, warmth, love, care with genuine, real friendship will never be passe. In an overly hyperconnected world, we still have real human beings craving for care, connect and attention. 

Yesterday is gone, today is here, and tomorrow will come. But, for those of us fortunate enough to be at the reunion yesterday, the high emotion that was experienced will never be forgotten. And in my humble view, SJCC at its very core is an emotion. Hard to express it in words, but quite sublime to experience. The 50 of us yesterday (and the broader set of friends who unfortunately couldn't make it to the reunion), will hopefully note what a treasured life experience we had from 1993-98. Every moment from those 5 defining years (personal and/or professional), is something to cherish forever and ever, irrespective of the idiosyncrasies of life.

Cheers to the next 25 years!