Social media is omnipresent, but its roots are from an offline world!

As a social being, man has a natural orientation to interact, love, befriend, associate and engage with other human beings in his/her circle. But, in the last few years, I have almost always noticed how people have deliberately chosen to disassociate on a personal basis, simply because of the advent of social media. The more hyper-connected we are digitally, the less connected we have ended up, socially.

There are tons of virtues in social media. It can connect so many things and people not thought of before. Nobody ever possibly imagined social media to become commercial entities running real businesses. But what social media completely misses, despite its virtues, is the sheer inability to replace the in-person connection i.e. the root of human's psyche. Maybe I am old school, but there is a certain charm that is experienced with in-person interaction, that almost remains unmatched to this day. 

When I was in school and college, the greatest joys of life were in the bonds of friendships that were forged on campus. This is not pre-historic, but part of recent history i.e. within the last 20+ years. Some of my greatest times in life, were in school and college. Back then, diversity in opinion was welcome. There was old world charm of deliberately spending quality time with friends talking about studies, life, girlfriends, relationships, career ambitions, dreams et al. Having lunch with each other was good fun. There was no app anywhere at the time either. 

Of course, it was not picture perfect and obviously friendships from that time had its ups and downs too, like with everything else. But, one forged wonderful memories based on real bonhomie, which till date, does not take too long to rekindle. There was hardly ever a discomforting public embarrassment that I remember, which is such a common thing on social media now. Equally, I remember many an instance, when many of us did not have the best of days, some of us experienced personal tragedies, and were physically present to lend a shoulder of support. In as much as social media can connect anyone, it will never have the ability to create such real bonds with people. E.g. what is this virtual, digital hug all about? I for one, have never gotten my head around it! ;)

Interestingly, the same generation that I grew up in, seamlessly migrated to the digital world. But, whenever there is the opportunity for an in-person interaction, we are equally at ease in putting down our gadgets, looking into one another's eyes, and talking to each other (instead of sending smileys!). Real, powerful, meaningful, and deep conversations. And the rest of the time, we continue to be connected digitally. What is uniquely distinct though, is that the digital conversations surprisingly hover around topics of mutual interest that has its roots from what we had framed 20+ years ago! Be it discussing cricket, or chatting about a other friends, or world views on education or politics, or plain banter. Thankfully, at least to my generation, social media has not destroyed a real conversation. Our roots are actually from the offline world!

There is a common, and notoriously mischievous phrase called WhatsApp University these days, which will transmit information faster than what the news channels can. But WhatsApp is an extension of precisely what we have all done offline for years i.e. to converse, to engage, and to stay connected. Social media is only taking off from that fundamental human trait, but has a structure and presentation which is perhaps different. There can be no WhatsApp, if nobody wants to be in touch with one another. 

But, what is it that the offline world has, which WhatsApp might never have? It is knowing the person behind the digital message. E.g. I have had the fortune of having intelligent, non-judgmental WhatsApp group chats with many of the same folks, all of whom, never had a phone on campus. Therefore, any opinion now cited on WhatsApp, is not judged. Simply because, the people receiving the WhatsApp message have known the sender in person, long before WhatsApp came along. That is the power of personal connectivity. No amount of digital connectivity is going to replace that!

The most impersonal thing that I find on social media is greeting a person on an occasion (birthday, wedding anniversary, or any other special day). A modern day birthday typically has a flood of WhatsApp or Facebook messages. Festivals have enough and more graphical designs to greet each other (impersonally!). When was the last time any of us received a WhatsApp or phone message starting with the words, Dear ___(your name), followed by the message? How many of these messages are a function of people genuinely remembering your birthday, and how many of those messages are a function of automated birthday reminders, is a moot question. These are so impersonal, almost robotic at times.

There are ways to tackle such robotic greetings! I have seen 3 of my most cherished friends who stay away from being impersonal/robotic. All 3 of them have done the same thing (none of them know the other!). One of them (a fabulously talented girl from Bangalore), switched off the birthday reminder feature on her Facebook account. The only people who greet her are the ones who genuinely remember the occasion. Similarly, she will never send me a forwarded message on WhatsApp, but we talk to each other over video for an hour+ easily, in every call. I was once boarding a flight on her birthday and had no way of calling her internationally then. It was the only occasion in my life I sent her a WhatsApp greeting and it was so odd! 

Or, my two other friends (both tall, charming, nice guys and C-level executives now), who do the exact same thing, but stay in touch wherever they are in the world. Even now when we meet, we have so many options to consider - go for a walk, board the local train and walk on Marine Drive, eat at our old neighbourhood eateries in Malleswaram, play badminton or watch cricket, have a long conversation etc - there is no gadget around at all! This is not a statement against social media, but it is an expression of how to retain personalised, real connect in a hyper-connected world. Having digital around is a bonus, but not a necessary condition to regale in the wonderful friendship that I have with all 3 of these fabulous people!

Of course, there are some characters who have conveniently ostracized me, despite being hyperactive online - per the alerts one gets due to common connections. But that ostracization is not because of social media, but more because of the intent of the person who chooses to disassociate. In these instances, the intention not to have a personal connection with somebody, overrides the ability of any social media that can help engage with others. I guess, social media will never find a replacement for this either i.e. human intent to disconnect or disengage. To that extent, human beings will still control the world!

It has been a fascinating ride from an offline world to a digital world. Interestingly, we are the last generation that even saw the offline world, a mere 20+ years ago. And many of us, though now fully adapted to digital, still appreciate our original association in an offline mode. Call it old school, but those are experiences that are genuinely cherished. Having a real conversation whilst sitting with a dear old friend at his/her house (or vice-versa), with a cup of tea in hand, or staying overnight to watch a late night cricket match together, or sitting in a train on a long journey with a friend with the deepest of conversations, are human experiences that can never ever be replaced. May it long continue, despite social media continuing to distract us, overpower us and trying to control our time.

The nonsense of comparisons

For as far back as I can remember, comparisons have been a part of my life. What is worse, I never actually knew that I was quite affected by it, till I decided never to be crushed by that force.

And what a force it was. Comparisons of exam scores of friends in school, comparisons of cousins who went abroad, and so on. It was an endless spree of comparisons, almost anywhere I went or anyone I met early on. Sadly, despite fully understanding the incredible power of comparisons to crush a person's psyche, I never did anything about it for a long time.  

Comparison no.1 - the earliest comparison that I experienced was people in the late '90s/early 2000's, telling me to move to the US. Nobody gave me a basis as to why I needed to go abroad when I was perfectly fine and happy at home. Nor did I analyse further. The closest to receiving any basis back then, was that my sister had married and moved to the US. So, it is only logical that I should get there too. It never occurred to anyone (or me) engaging in these comparisons, that my background, my interests, my professional profile, and indeed my stage in life at the time, was tremendously different from hers. I ended up applying to top US MBA programmes, only to discover that not one of them ever gave me an interview call.  I drowned in confidence. I despaired. I even didn't know what else to do. This US MBA was supposed to be the passport to a glorified life. Little did I realise, that my skills were never in doing those fancy MBAs. Hell, it was so bad that I left my Chartered Accountancy course, to go after the pipe dream of a US MBA, without ever analysing my own strengths. It took me a circuitous route to get into my own area (currently, internal audit), and in a different way I am happy I touched strategy, consulting, research and analysis and other areas before landing up in my own core domain. Lesson learnt - listen to advise, and ignore them if they have no basis (doesn't matter WHO is giving you that advise). 

Comparison no.2 - it is important to do well in life and become somebody. While this may sound tremendously motivating and inspiring, it is the tone in which this line is stated, that makes a difference. When done professionally, with the right intent and with the true spirit of excellence, I don't think anyone has a problem with such lines. But, when the same thing is stated with the subtleties of sarcasm, or is embedded with laces of comparison that you are a nobody, or has some level of underlying judgement that you are currently not good enough, the same line takes a complete different meaning. Sadly, for me, I faced the latter, from multiple people. It needed a tremendous amount of distilling of the intent of such advice to learn who meant well, and who didn't. Lesson learnt again - distil advise, but more importantly read tone of such advise correctly - not everyone means well.

Comparison no.3 - I did my ICWA and then my US CPA much later in life, when I was 35+. I never had an issue with it. My wife and parents motivated me more than I ever could ask for. I almost didn't have to do it, as I had the so-called good job in hand, was travelling countries, had an international assignment etc. Looks good from the outside, right? But, I was the only one on the planet who knew that I never should have written those US MBA exams in my 20s and only ever did it because of the nonsensical comparisons around me. I knew I always had wanted to do the top most accounting and finance professional qualifications out there. But the questions continued well into my 30s - why ICWA and CPA now? Isn't it late? What benefit will it give you? The people who compared, kept saying the same things, albeit in a more circumspect way, as I was now 35+ and supposedly adult. But, their underlying tone was as constant (and this time, discernible), as it was in the late '90s. Thankfully, this time, I did not bother listening to any advise. Lesson learnt - do things for the sheer passion of doing it, especially if the only certificate you ever want is the certificate to prove things to yourself and to keep your head high. Really, nothing else matters in professional life.

After all these experiences (there are many, many more), I am convinced that comparisons are the greatest bane to a person's confidence. What one person can do, is never a template for what any other person can do. The only possibility is for one to learn from the other, even if the other is better than oneself - absolutely nothing wrong with that. But, to deviate from the fundamentals of who you are, that too professionally, and listening to the nonsense of comparisons, will only work to one's detriment. I can only think of my idol, Rahul Dravid who said in an interview, 'It is easy to be dazzled by Tendulkar at the other end of the pitch and to see what he does, but one should not forget what one can do'. Or, as Harsha Bhogle famously said, 'I cannot do what Tendulkar does and he cannot do what I can do'. I am thankful I suffered the nonsense of comparisons in my 20s, and had time to fix it - more a necessity than anything else. Lessons learnt for life - listen to advice, but if it makes no sense, do not bother.