Saturday, October 22, 2005

Busy day, but incredibly,incredibly lonely

Loneliness hit me today. And hit me very hard. Just don't know why and where it came from. I had a rather eventful day, what with my first visit to my good friend, Gopal's house, lunch at Sukh Sagar in Anna Nagar, gift shopping for Vidya and Akhila's upcoming birthdays', organizing a surprise cake for Monday,talking to Divya Ravishankar for a few seconds, bowling at SnowBall in Nungambakkam in the evening with Zubin,Gopal and Vidya, brief visit to Marks & Spencers,long chat with Gopal and Zubin at Coffee Day at Ispahani Centre, and rounding the evening off at Rangis(Chinese).Had some amazing entertainment as Gopal outlined his travails with his boss.

Returned home at 9.45 p.m and felt incredibly lonely.A great sense of solitude and a feeling of being left alone, with nobody to care for me, hit me hard.I have lived alone and lived in different cities for a while now, but when these bouts of loneliness hit me,I am still not able to take it. However mentally tough I may claim to be, and however much I may be fighting it out to make my life, there are times when I feel incredibly lonely and have this urge to feel wanted. To have a feeling of being loved. Of wanting to belong to somebody, to have somebody to love and pour myself into completely with not a care in the world. Its in these moments that I lose control of myself. I have still not hit the alcohol bottle yet in life,and I won't ever get down to that.But what do I do to conquer loneliness?

I usually am busy all the time, either at work or pursuing other interests. But however busy I may be,I do not have an answer to tackle loneliness and to fulfil this feeling of wanting to belong.To be cared for,even if just for some time.I sink.I feel miserable.I just plain feel lonely.I am not able to handle the pain.I scrolled the address book and phone numbers on my mobile phone and I discovered to my horror that 95% of my friends are married or are with their respective parents and would not be in a position to talk to me so very late at night.How do I tackle loneliness?What is the point of having associates and numbers on the phone book,if there is nobody to fulfil loneliness?I felt miserable.I didn't have a treatment for myself to handle this.

Anyway,I should be fine tomorrow,hopefully.But increasingly,I have begun to feel that the void of loneliness can never ever be fixed by merely being busy.And being merely successful doesn't help either,to fulfil this need.